Grief and Grace
“He is acquainted with grief…”
“Jesus cried…”
A few years back, across a crowded Wednesday night fellowship dinner line, a smiling face called, “Bill, your sermon on grief Sunday was really good.” “Thanks,” I nodded. “But you preached that same sermon a couple years ago.” “Well, I’ve preached about grief before, but that was a new sermon.” “No, that was the same sermon. That’s ok, it was worth repeating.” Before people began to think he ‘protesteth too much’, I let it go…
Well, until the next morning. I went to the big black binders, found the sermon from a couple years before, sent it and the recent sermon to the person. I both expressed appreciation for the kind words about the sermon, but also tried tactfully to explain that it is a matter of honor for me not to re-preach the same sermon to the same congregation. As far as the other folks in the food line, I trusted the conversation was pretty much preempted by their imminent decision for fried or baked chicken.
Truth is, of late, I have been able to identify a handful of signature sermon messages – not the same sermons – but identifiable themes/truths that my experience of scripture and life has gifted to me, which I have sought to share across the years.
This follows on my recognition some years ago, shared often in different sermons and writings, of a sort of one sentence Apostle’s Creed undergirding them all:
+ ‘God’s grace in Jesus gives us the power and pattern for living with joy, serving with love, and dying with hope.’
Back to common themes: Along with ‘The Gospel According to Get-To’ and several others, there is the rubric of ‘Grief and Grace’ that appears in various expressions.
Frederick Buechner says theology begins in AUTOBIOGRAPHY. In my 20’s, I was relatively young when I became ‘acquainted with grief’. There was the intersection of my 40-something dad’s short illness and death, a seminary course on the book of Job, and hearing/reading John Claypool, especially “The Tracks of a Fellow Struggler”. (Longer story to all three. Not here. )
Along the way, some ‘WORKING DEFINITIONS’ bubbled up that have helped me as a person and pastor with my grief and that of others.
+ GRIEF is the healthy, healing process by which God’s grace enables us to take the un-take-able and go on after the un-go-on-after-able.
+ GRACE is the beyond our own doing love, help, and strength God gets to us without which we can be or do much that matters.
(Again, longer story to these. Good news. Not here. )
Many have heard of the STAGES of grief: shock, disbelief, sadness, guilt, anger, and in God’s time an acceptance/ gratitude that enable us to live more not less because of our loss. These are not so much linear stages but loop the loop back and forth facets and faces of grief. In my anger mode, I have said both privately and publicly, though I believe God’s death conquering love wins in the long run, in the short run, death sucks. Some have agreed with that comment; others have been offended. If this offends you, please forgive me.
Grief is not just about going on after what has been LOST (people, seasons of life, etc.) but also what NEVER WAS. As a young pastor in the sanctuary before the service, an early comer nodded toward the rosebud on the altar celebrating the birth of a baby. “Bill, remember those rosebuds remind some of us of the children we hoped for but never came.” So grief is also about going on when the person, job, recognition that was longed for never came. (Yep, longer story…etc.)
Grief can be UNITIVE. John Claypool and Don Shockley led me to Spanish philosopher/theologian Miguel de Unamuno’s TRAGIC SENSE OF LIFE. ‘We should solve many things if we uncovered our griefs, which might prove one common grief. The chiefest sanctity of a temple is it is a place where people go to weep.’ I have found people who don’t otherwise like each other much can find connection in their common hurts. Also in their common love for their dogs!
Speaking of dogs. Recently, Dianne and I were talking about how it’s been almost seven months since we said goodbye to our beloved Jack. That connected to our reflecting we have lost seven of our beloved family members in recent years. That is, grief is CUMULATIVE AND CONNECTED. One loss intertwines and reminds us of others. So even grief for my dog (which is deep) reminds and connects me with all my griefs. And in the oddness of Godness this reminds me not only of all I have lost but even more of all the love in my life.
GRIEF AND UNKILLABLE LOVE: Jesus cries when he learns his friend Lazarus has died. There is no insulation from grief and hurt without cutting off our capacity for love and joy. To grieve less means we have to love each other less and that... most of us are not willing to do. The capacity to grieve enables us to dive in more not less into the reality of life.
In the Apostles’ Creed, we affirm the mystery of the Communion of Saints. Without denying the only too real reality of death, we affirm a greater reality. Those we love and who love us are not through with us. And we are not through with them. And most importantly God is never through with us.
Yes, long and wordy. So, don’t make me bring out those 30+ black binders.