Heart Songs

“I thank my God upon every remembrance of you...” Philippians 1.3

Oh my! It’s been 20 years, since we moved back to Birmingham after a 20-year sojourn via Huntsville, Decatur, Athens, and Tuscaloosa – all of great memories.

Dianne found us doctors in the Yellow Pages (remember them?): Drs. Harvey and Renee Harmon’s Double Oak Family Practice. Dr. Harvey for me. Dr. Renee for Dianne.

Providence. Serendipity. Maybe a bit of good luck. Not only excellent physicians, they were United Methodists and Birmingham-Southern graduates. Pretty good trinity!

A decade or so passed. Via Dianne, I heard good stuff about Dr. Renee.

My appointments began with a gentle knock on the exam room door, tall runner Dr. Harvey would look in, pause to smile, and then enter. For those years, I received his quiet, never-showed-if-he-was-rushed, competent care. Talkative preacher; quiet listening doctor: we can surely add patience to his traits.

Then at age 50, there came the early-onset Alzheimer’s diagnosis for Harvey. An 8-year process ensued from high functioning – doing his running and doing the cooking for Renee and their two daughters – through the inevitable, incremental demise of mind, body, and personality. Dr. Harvey’s earth life ended in 2018.

With hands and heart full over those years, Dr. Renee carried on the practice. Among her added former Dr. Harvey patients, there was the talkative preacher. Thanks to her diagnostic curiosity, she caught something before it became a big problem.

Over the past couple of years, Renee has been preparing, writing the account of that 8-year odyssey. Her book came out last week.

SURFING THE WAVES OF ALZHEIMER’S:

PRINCIPLES OF CAREGIVING THAT KEPT ME UPRIGHT

Dianne Amazon-ed our copy that came a couple days ago. I put it on my burgeoning to be read stack, but quickly took it off to read.

Renee calls it a “teaching memoir”. She likens navigating the ups and downs of caregiving for Alzheimer loved ones, including crucial self-care, to learning to surf often rough waters.

From decades of serving churches, I can do a long list – and not get them all – of people who themselves or whose loved ones experienced the ready or not personality and physical decline of Alzheimer’s and such dementia conditions.

Here is a book to read and give. For sure, it is a valuable resource for those who are in the waves of Alzheimer caregiver waters. It is also good for us better to understand and support those we know going through this often drawn out experience. And, deep breath, Renee’s insights and guidance are a head-heart start for the goodly number of us who will be cast into the Alzheimer’s caregiver-receiver brink.

Her principles title the chapters… several here:

+If You Have Seen One Case of Alzheimer’s;

You’ve Seen One Case of Alzheimer’s.

For sure there are some similarities, but each person’s trek is uniquely their own.

+ He’s Not Giving You a Hard Time, He’s Having a Hard Time

Each chapter ends with several to-do suggestions. #3 for this chapter:

“Sit in your loved one’s favorite chair, close your eyes, and imagine a twenty-four hour period from his perspective.” P. 56

+ It’s Better to Be Kind Than Correct

+ Who’s On Your Team?

+ It’s OK to Accept and Ask for Help

These above two include a wide range of calling on and receiving friends’ help, plus surveilling medical-counseling-financial-respite care-residential facility options you need now and will likely need later.

+ Put on Your Own Oxygen Mask First

I’m not into tattoos, but from my experience as a pastor, maybe “Take Care of Yourself” should be tattooed on the palm of each loved one caregiver.

+ You’ll Have to Address the Driving Issue Eventually.

Across the years, I’ve noticed that’s a BIG one.

+ Plan for the Future: Don’t Wait for Disaster.

See above about knowing the resource options.

+ Acknowledge Your (Ambiguous) Grief

With the Alzheimer process, grief for the increments of personality loss somewhat precedes and prepares some but not fully for physical death loss. Mixed but authentic feelings galore here!

Renee’s teaching memoir artfully swirls together: poignant personal vignettes of what their family, Harvey, and she experienced; with good information and instruction about the disease, resources, and choices to be navigated. Her story is not only one of survival but also graceful resilience.

Harvey’s slides from light to devastating loss of memory, cognitive and physical capacities are tenderly and clearly chronicled. Renee attests…

“As the disease progressed, I lost more and more of him. The essence of Harvey, the divine flame of the divine within him, would never die. It was just harder and harder to see it embodied. I knew he was in there somewhere, but I was losing him.”

Reading SURFING THE WAVES… reminded me of a poster on the wall in a colleague’s office: A FRIEND REMEMBERS THE SONG IN YOUR HEART AND SINGS IT TO YOU WHEN YOU FORGET.

Thanks to both of my doctors: Dr. Harvey and Dr. Renee.