A Good Start
“Love is patient and kind. It is not jealous. Love is not ill mannered or selfish or irritable. Love does not keep a record of wrongs... Love never gives up.” (1 Corinthians 13.4ff)
A couple weeks ago at Avondale UMC after Sunday worship, several of us were talking in front of the chancel rail. Among us were long-time members extraordinaire Bill and Betty Copeland. Someone brought up that on August 19, Bill and Betty would have their 72nd anniversary.
In the wow-ness of that, I told how on August 9th, Dianne and I would have our 51st anniversary. (Actually, we were standing pretty close to where we made those promises.) To my comment, Bill Copeland smiled, nodded:
“Fifty-one years, that’s a good start.”
In the book providence of life, over the last couple weeks, I’ve come across a couple of things.
One was a reference to an observation by renowned marriage guru John Gottman. Successful marriages need something like a 5 to 1 ratio between words of appreciation and critical remarks. A one to one ratio marriage will have trouble making it. That reminded me of Gottman’s view that strong marriages are not based on agreement on all matters, but learning to navigate significant areas of disagreement.
The other observation comes from Nancy Malone’s WALKING A LITERARY LABYRINTH. Commenting on how the early rush of romantic love tends to dissipate over time... “the real love that may or may not follow upon it requires the down and dirty business of growing in self-sacrificing acceptance of the otherness of the one who stands before us, perhaps quite unlike the fantastic person who captivated the equally fantastic person we were while under it spell.”
Paul’s words about love in 1 Corinthians 13 seeking to referee church conflict are often appropriately applied to marriage. Being patient. Not being jealous, irritable, hard to get along with. Not keeping a list... Most importantly not giving up when we married types continue...
+ To fall short of Gottman’s 5 to 1 ratio.
+ To keep being unsettled over areas of disagreement.
+ To being exquisitely, exasperatingly who we are.
+ To be quite capable of irritability and listabilty.
Now...Paul’s not giving up part I believe is a God graced thing. I have used my adaptation of Pastoral Care Professor Peggy Way’s quip about love so many times I need to send her a royalty check. Underneath the lofty theories and feathery rhetoric about love, love is putting-up-with-each-other even when, especially when, we are un-put-up-with-able.
(What God does with us, God makes possible for us with each other.)
It is not false modesty but raw honesty to say Dianne has had huge amounts more to put up with than I have. For sure, Gottman and Malone have their points. So here's to the marathon-long distance joy that emerges over the years that far extends the jump-start sprint of romance.
A good start: indeed.