The Largeness of Marriage
“Jesus replied, “Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. Marriage requires a certain aptitude and grace... But if you are capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.”
Friday night, our pastors Sheri Ferguson and Sam Williamson officiated at the wedding of Kelly Haywood and our son Bailey. The ceremony took place in the chapel at Trinity United Methodist Church. A small number was present but a largeness of heart abounded. Some were even watching from the balcony of the Communion of Saints.
The wedding homily explored what Jesus meant by the 'largeness of marriage.' I will not attempt to recapture what was so exquisitely said there. But, no surprise, want to share some observations of a marrying preacher and a married man.
In the amazing crisscross synchronicty, sometimes called book providence, of books that find us at the Goldilocks 'just right' times, recent readings on Emotional Intelligence, brain science,and marriage have triaged for me.
The pearl of great price for any human relationship that is worth it, maybe a key ingredient for hope for humanity, is SELF AWARENESS.
In a riff on 1 Corinthians 13, we might be intellectually smart as a whip and terrfically skilled with words, hands, and clever at getting our way - but if we have not self-awareness, well...we damage in small and large ways others, and finally fail ourselves. BTW: authentic self awareness is NOT to be confused with its impostor the self-narratives and stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.
So, here is how God's gift and grace of self-awareness is often (though not limited to or guaranteed) present in marriage.
(1) Marriage love for sure has elements of deep friendship but goes far beyond buddyhood. Long after our friends, pals, and chums have moved on when our jerkness manifests, a spouse abides. A spouse loves so deeply and is so committed to the best God has planted in us, that they risk making us mad and hurting our feelings to challenge our rotten-arrogant-poor me and/or...(fill in your blank) attitude, call us out for our procrastination on one hand and over control needs on the other.
(2) With all our talk about how we humans overestimate ourselves, down deep below the self-narrative surface of narcissists and co-dependents alike, we really don't know how good we are. At some point in premarital sessions with couples I will ask 'when did you know...that you loved her/him?' And/or 'what do you know and love about her/him that she/he doesn't know about her/himself?' The other will speak of thoughtful ways, tender care with people, a commitment to doing things well, keeping promises and such... And usually there are tears in three sets of eyes, when one loves another enough to give them self awareness of the good God has planted in them otherwise not known. Friends, don't assume people know the good in them without your telling them.
I fall way short of what I would like to be. But the one person on the planet I have most to thank that I am less a jerk than I would otherwise be, and am good of a man as I am, is Dianne Morgan. I delight that best I can tell Bailey has found such a lifemate in Kelly, and I pray, she in him.